If this is your first time starting a surrogacy journey as an intended parent, then you are probably feeling tons of excitement mixed with intimidation and a sprinkle of anxiety. One moment, you can imagine holding your beautiful baby for the first time, and then the next, you’re wondering if you have even been asking the right questions. 

We’re here to assure you that these feelings are completely valid (and normal). 

Most intended parents like yourself, no matter their level of confidence or preparation, circle around all the same concerns early on in the surrogacy process. But asking questions doesn’t make you look like you don’t know what you’re doing. Rather, they show how thoughtful you’re being with the process, how invested you are, and how you’re trying to do everything the right way.

Here’s what everyone usually asks early on in the process and what you can expect (realistically speaking) as you move forward. 

1. How Does the Surrogacy Journey Actually Start?

For many people, the journey starts quietly. It doesn’t always start with a big decision. Instead, you might find yourself staying up late at night to do your research. You might find yourself looking through bookmarked webpages, saved articles, and conversations that start with all the what-ifs. 

Eventually, this turns into more concrete steps like choosing where you should even pursue surrogacy, speaking with clinics or agencies, and understanding what’s legally possible in your particular situation. 

2. How Long Does the Whole Surrogacy Process Take?

This happens to be one of the harder questions to ask because the answer varies. Some families might move quickly from matching to pregnancy. Others might find delays. First-time journeys often take longer because there’s so much more learning involved. Expect months and not weeks, and remind yourself that slow and steady wins the race.

3. Who Will Carry Your Baby?

This is a question often filled with more emotion than you would think. You can’t look at your surrogate mother as just a medical participant in the journey. She’s a real person with her own life, family, and reasons for becoming a surrogate mother. Matching with your first surrogate mother is about more than just profiles. It’s also about comfort, communication, and shared expectations. 

It’s normal as an intended parent to worry about feeling a connection with your surrogate, too. In reality, that trust builds up over time through conversations and shared experiences. So, don’t worry if there isn’t instant chemistry. 

4. What Does Your Role as Intended Parents Look Like During the Pregnancy?

Some intended parents choose to be a part of every appointment, while others worry about overstepping during the surrogate mother process. Communication styles are different, and boundaries are discussed early on in the surrogacy journey. Many relationships are warm and respectful without being intrusive. As you go along, you’ll find a good rhythm that works for everyone, and it might even change at times during the pregnancy.

5. How Much Control Do You Have?

This is a question that often comes from fear. There are agreements, expectations, and medical guidelines, but pregnancy still comes with a fair amount of unpredictability. You won’t control evertyhing and that might be uncomfortable for you at first. But you can find solace knowing you do have a framework built around communication, consent, and mutual respect.

6. What if Something Goes Wrong?

Many who ask this question feel guilty about asking it. Complications, delays, and disappointments can (and often will) happen. Don’t look at yourself as being negative. Instead, just understand that you’re being as realistic as you can be. The purpose of medical screenings, legal planning, and support systems is to prepare for any uncertainty.

7. How Do You Talk About Surrogacy With Friends and Family?

No, there’s no script you can follow. Some might be open from day one of the journey, while others are more selective about the information they share. Remember, you don’t owe anyone any details that you don’t want or aren’t ready to give.

8. Will This Feel More Real Before the Baby Comes?

You might be surprised by this question during the process. For some intended parents, the reality of what’s happening doesn’t actually start sinking in until after the baby is born. For others, it becomes very real during all the appointments, ultrasounds, and milestones. There isn’t any kind of emotional timeline you need to follow. 

9. How Do You Manage the Emotional Ups and Downs?

Even if you are usually a calm and collected person, your first surrogate mother journey is going to be emotionally layered. You will feel excitement, fear, gratitude, impatience, and hope. Sometimes you’ll feel all of these things in just a single day. Support matters here. Counseling, community groups, or just having someone at your side who understands can be a big help.

10. How Do You Know You’re Ready?

Many intended parents expect there to be one clear moment of certainty. Well, it doesn’t always happen this way. Readiness can also be quiet. It’s just choosing to move forward even when you have unanswered questions. It’s acknowledging the fear you’re feeling without letting it get in your way and stop you. It’s trusting that it’s a learning process and you will learn as you go. 

If you find yourself asking questions, you’re already more prepared than you think.